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Urban Perspectives: Disappointed with God

PC Estee Jansen via Unsplash

PC Estee Jansen via Unsplash

You can’t out-give God. That’s what I fervently believed when I embarked upon a faith ministry that relied solely upon charitable giving. I was inspired by stories of saints who depended totally upon God. Some would not even publicly reveal their financial needs. They chose rather to depend on God’s miraculous provisions as their sole source of support. Like Dwight L. Moody, a nineteenth century evangelist who started an orphanage for street urchins in Chicago. There were times when the cupboards were bare and stomachs were empty and Moody’s faith was sorely tested. And at the last moment a truck arrived and unloaded an abundant supply of nourishing food for his boys. I loved stories like this. I wanted this kind of faith.

That’s how I began. Of course, I had to let friends know about my mission. I wrote letters and told moving stories about the people I was working with. I invited folk to join me in the ministry, to volunteer and support the work in their prayers. But rarely did I ask for money. Every day was a faith-test. And it seemed to work well. My confidence in God’s provision increased as month after month enough money came in to cover payroll and pay bills. When surplus income arrived, I passed it along to local families or to struggling frontline ministries. I determined to keep my trust in God rather than in the security of a comfortable balance in my checking account. 

Peggy was the bookkeeper for the ministry – the bookkeeper of our family finances as well. While I confidently reassured her that God could be trusted to supply all our needs, she carried the stress of managing a budget with uncertain sources. “Trust God,” I would tell her. But for Peggy, this faith-journey was anything but an exciting spiritual adventure. Though she was certainly grateful for the gifts that arrived – some of them regularly from faithful donors, others unexpectedly from surprise sources – she found it difficult to relax with the insecurity of not knowing where our next paycheck would be coming from. 

But as my faith-confidence increased, Peggy’s anxiety persisted. Until the day it finally happened. Peggy announced to me that our account was depleted and we had no reserves to draw from. She was worried. I was deeply disappointed – no, I was angry. God had let us down! If I couldn’t depend on God to provide, I fumed, then I would obviously have to take matters into my own hands. And that’s exactly what I did. I got on the phone, called a number of supportive friends, told them about our need, and asked them to consider making an immediate donation. Within a week we had received enough income to make payroll. 

The financial crisis was averted, but my crisis of faith was not. The question loomed large in my spirit: if I cannot trust God to provide for our needs, then what can I trust Him for? I had stepped out in faith. I had counted heavily on Christ’s promises, assurances like: Take no thought for tomorrow…behold the fowls of the air: for they sow not, neither do they reap, nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much better than they? (Matt 6:26) If these promises were not trustworthy, where did that leave my faith? 

I continued on with my work in the city, the sense of calling persisted, even though a consistent flow of donations required some priming. Unexpected gifts continued to arrive but not at a dependable pace. Was it because of my lack of faith, I wondered? One thing became clear – the spiritual pride I had been enjoying had been dealt a serious blow. 

Over time I began to realize that it was not God who had let me down, but rather my “you-can’t-out-give-God” theology that had failed me. I had been placing my faith in a faulty belief system. This doctrine may have worked for some saints but it was clearly not a universal truth. In fact, inviting people to join me in my calling – financially and otherwise – became one of the rich, unexpected blessings of my ministry, for them as well as for me.

Miracles did (do) continue to happen, but not in the way I expected. The best way I can describe God’s provision is the story of the young fisherman who rowed out into the lake and began casting his lures off one side of his boat. To his utter surprise, a fish jumped out of the water from the other side and landed in his boat. Then it happened again. And again. When he came ashore he held up a stringer full of nice-size fish, none of which he had landed with his lures. He may not have been able to claim credit for catching the fish but if he hadn’t been out on the water he wouldn’t have brought home any. 

It seems that God’s supernatural provision is a combination of human effort and divine intervention.

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